Today I miss her so badly I can hardly stop the tears. My mother who never knew my children has been gone 33 years and yet every Mother’s Day, my heart breaks.
My heart breaks because her life was not easy. As an adult, I understand that even more. I lost the opportunity to help her find peace and serenity. I lost the opportunity to know her, to share her strength, wisdom, and humor woman to woman. She was not there to share life’s milestones – graduations, proms, weddings, birthdays, the birth of my children, the 3 am feedings with them, their milestones. These moments went on without her. They were never whole as a result.
I lost the opportunity for her to cuddle, tickle, and even correct my children. They will never know her amazing embrace which was always strong, but gentle, warm and inviting. I was never denied a hug or a cuddle from her; and she was the absolute best at it. Even as a teenager, I would crawl up next to her for hours and just feel my spirit calm.
I lost biggest fan and advocate. Many times over the years I have considered how she would address those who hurt me, used me or abandoned me. I do share her wrath against those who hurt my children and I learned from watching her. I sometimes wish my children would know her wrath when they have misbehaved or been inconsiderate. She had a bit of wrath against my eye rolling and such from time to time.
I lost the opportunity to take vacations with her and to hear stories about her childhood and family. I know only a few stories. The aunts who could share them in her place live 500 miles away and most have passed away now. They channeled her to give me a surprise baby shower 20 years ago. To this day, I think this is one of the kindest things ever done for me. It is a bitter sweet memory because I felt so much love and my Mom has not been here to give me more moments like that.
Today is hard; virtually unbearable. Tomorrow I will find my strength. For I know that I am so truly blessed for the type of Mom I had. She attracted people like hummingbirds to nectar. Her personality was magnetic, joyful and generous even though she had little to give but her time and words of strength and kindness. She made people laugh and smile easily. It was her gift.
I am blessed to have a Mom who instilled in me faith that is virtually unwavering. This faith has gotten me not only through bad times but good ones because I know all things serve a purpose. Put another way, karma is real. People reap what they sow, although it make take years to come to fruition. Or, as Mom would say facetiously in her Tennessee drawl, “If you act ugly, things will happen to you.” Wise & funny!
Tomorrow I will focus on my blessings, not my losses but today I am missing my Mom